I wrote this post two years ago but I did not have the guts to post it I think that I’m in a position now to finally post my feelings about it so all the below is how I felt two years ago. Has it changed now well I love him to bits he is such a gorgeous boy. But it will never stop the way I felt the way I feel now about his additional needs that have been diagnosed. Last year Leo was diagnosed with autism along with his other needs it makes life super hard and this is exactly what I did not want to go through and feel so alone now going through it.
Im going to share something that is really hard for me to share but Im really struggling at the moment and due to lack of $ I cant afford therapy to help me so I am hoping that this helps me.
We never intended to find out the sex of our baby I really wanted a girl as our little boy has special needs and I did not feel that I could emotionally cope with another child financially or emotionally with special needs its so mentally and emotionally draining not to mention the funds it costs to provide support for the therapies needed to help.
I never thought in the slightest I would get a boy I always thought id get a girl I think that I thought God would not make it harder for us than it already is he would give us a healthy baby and we would continue to give Ethan all the support he needed to move along in the world.
My world fell apart at our 20 weeks scan we had not decided to find out the sex of our baby but got the Dr to write the sex down and it was placed in a silver envelope and given to Jason for if we decided to find out later.
I went home from the scan and watched the DVD like every mum does over and over again it was then I noticed what I thought was a penis I sent Jason a message saying I know its a boy I can’t cope with another boy it will be like our little boy and need additional help I can’t do that again I am not strong enough to have another boy. He messaged me back saying you don’t know that you don’t know what it will be and regardless of what the baby is we will love it no matter what and if it does have special needs we have done it before and are still doing it and will do it again.
I broke down I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed I could not cope with another boy I wanted a healthy child. You see because our son has a condition we were given percentages of the chances this baby would have it if it were a boy or a girl and lets say that the girls results were much less for a girl. I told hubby I no longer wanted the baby if it were a boy I could not cope I wanted a girl. I told him I did not want to live anymore if its a boy. We had not told many people we were pregnant so if I died no one would know I had wanted to get rid of our baby too.
He sprung into action and rang my psychologist who had a vacant appointment he rang my OB to tell him what was going on and I would be missing my appointment that afternoon he came and got me and took me to the psychologist my face was so swollen I could not talk I could not let the words of what I wanted to do to an innocent baby out it was unthinkable who could possibly want to do something so terrible to a baby because of its sex and we would not know for sure until he was older if he would have the same issues. He could very well be healthy. But I was not in the right mind to think that. I shut down I built up walls and up until that day I had been really enjoying my pregnancy now I did not want what was a miracle for us.
I was in the darkest of darkest places and while I continued to go to my weekly appointments I did everything I could to hide the pregnancy from everyone which was pretty easy I was not showing which helped. I felt guilty when I felt him roll around that I did not want him I wanted to want him but I just wanted a girl although I love my other boy I did not want to go through it again. I had desperately wanted a baby for so long and I had been given that gift how could I feel this way. He was mine something I had wanted for so long and was lucky enough to have the opportunity to get to experience being a mum again but I just stopped enjoying what was meant to be a perfect pregnancy.
I went to therapy over and over again and I was still in denial that I was having a boy when he came out I remember telling the surgical staff I did not know what I was having. When he came out it was even harder to bond being born so early you don’t get that time alone its all spent looking into a box and him hooked up to things keeping him alive.